“What do I say?”
“What can I do?”
“Can I just ask what they need?”
“Is it okay to talk about the loved one who passed away?”
If you know someone who is grieving, you might have asked yourself the questions above. It can be difficult to know how and when to help the bereaved.
We question ourselves about the right thing to say and do. We can sometimes be afraid of saying anything at all.
It can feel like you’re walking on eggshells around a grieving friend or family member.
Seeing someone we love go through grief can be hard. We don’t want to see them in pain, and it is normal to want to take that pain away.
However, it is important that the bereaved go through their own grief journey, but you have the power to help them through it.
Here are some things that you can do to support them.
Listen, rather than give advice
Most of the time, grievers just want to be heard. It’s a natural response to want to give advice and offer solutions, but grief in itself is not a problem to be fixed.
It is a deeply personal experience and journey for someone who lost a loved one.
Sometimes the bereaved would want to talk about their feelings, especially when they get overwhelmed.
Sometimes they would want to talk about their loved ones and reminisce.
Sometimes they would want to talk about their last moments with their departed loved ones.
Lending a sympathetic ear can really help a lot. You don’t even have to say anything, just show that you’re willing to hear them out.
Patiently listening to them even if they sometimes repeat their stories helps them process their grief.
Understand that people cope in different ways
Everyone goes through grief in their own way. You yourself might have gone through it, and you might compare your experiences.
As much as you can, try to avoid comparing and be more understanding that someone may deal with grief very differently from you.
Someone grieving might cry more or less than others. Some might be visibly angry. Some might be vocal about what they feel, while some would prefer to keep their emotions to themselves.
Some will lack the motivation to do basic things. Some will do retail therapy. Some might want to take a vacation and unplug from their usually busy world.
Whatever your grieving friend or family member does to cope, try to always be understanding and not pass judgment.
Ask for what they need
People grieving can be hesitant to ask for help to avoid being a burden. You can directly ask what they need help with. Be specific about it.
Here are some situations where they might need support: 
- Funeral arrangements
- Household chores
- Doing groceries and meal preparations
- Child care, if they have any
- Taking care of their pets, if any
- Assisting their elderly family members, if any
- General repairs at home
- Legal matters such as insurance claims, transferring of assets, and closing their loved one’s bank accounts
- Packing away their loved one’s belongings
Talk about their departed loved one kindly
We tend to avoid talking about their loved one who passed away because we’re afraid to upset the bereaved. That is totally understandable, and yes, it can be upsetting at times.
However, some people appreciate talking about their departed loved ones in a kind and gentle way.
You may ask about their last get-together with their loved one or what their favorite memories are of them.
If you personally know their departed loved one, you may reminisce together. Talk about the times you were all still together. Share your fond memories with them.
Talking about them keeps the connection alive for the bereaved.
Help them plan for events when applicable
When a loved one dies, it’s not just about the wake and it doesn’t end at the funeral.
In some families, there will be services on the 9th day of death and the 40th day. There will also be the 1st year death anniversary.
Most of these involve gathering to share meals with family members and friends. You can help in planning these events, whether it’s to reserve a venue or prepare the meals at home. 
Special occasions such as birthdays, wedding anniversaries, and holidays can be particularly difficult for the bereaved. You can ask them what they feel comfortable doing on these occasions and help them plan accordingly.
Check on them from time to time
Once the funeral is done and the traditional 9th day and 40th day have passed, grievers might want to take time to rest. They might keep to themselves or go on a relaxing trip to recuperate.
Dealing with grief can take a toll on our mental and physical health.
Even when they do get quiet, take time to check on them. It doesn’t have to be every day or every week. When you can, just send them a message of support or even a quick “Hello. How are you?”
Let them know you’re thinking about them even if they don’t feel like going out or socializing like they used to.
Encourage them to get additional support
Even with a good support system of family and friends, grief can still be intense and overwhelming.
Some people might find grief too difficult to deal with that it interferes with their work and daily routine. They might be experiencing complicated grief.
People with complicated grief may have a hard time recovering or resuming their own lives. For them, “life doesn’t get better.”
If you think your friend or family member is going through complicated grief, encourage them to get additional support.
You may look for support groups for the bereaved within your area or an online support group. You may also encourage them to seek professional help from a grief counselor or licensed therapist.
If you think your friend or family member is going through complicated grief, encourage them to get additional support.
You may look for support groups for the bereaved within your area or an online support group. You may also encourage them to seek professional help from a grief counselor or licensed therapist.
Here are some support groups online:
· Grief support for people in their 20s & 30s who have lost a parent
· Christian-based online & offline support group
· Grief support group for bereaved parents by theAsianparent PH
Here are some grief counselors/educators that we recommend:
Monica Vera
Instagram: @surviving_sunsets
survivingsunsets@gmail.com
Cathy Sanchez Babao
goodgriefph@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/cathybabao
Zarah Hernaez
Instagram: @thewellnestph @zeeheehee
https://www.facebook.com/TheWellnestPH
We understand that dealing with someone grieving can be a struggle, especially when you haven’t dealt with grief yourself.
You don’t have to do anything grand for them. You don’t have to try to make them smile or laugh, or try to take away their sadness.
Your presence in their lives is already valuable. Having them feel loved, seen, and heard is more than enough.