"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”
Losing a spouse or partner is deeply painful. From being part of a loving marriage or relationship, you suddenly find yourself alone. The activities you once shared with them no longer seem enjoyable. The plans you made for the future together are no longer possible. You may experience a variety of changes, including:
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Identity issues – Losing your other half can also feel like losing a part of yourself. You might feel like you need to redefine yourself because you are single now.
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Grieving your future – It would be painful to also lose the future you imagined with them.
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Financial challenges – If your spouse was the primary income earner, it might be challenging to take on this role from now on.
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Increased responsibilities – There are certain responsibilities that your spouse fulfilled, which you will take over now. The transition can become daunting.
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Socializing changes – Attending social gatherings, especially with other couples may feel isolating. You might feel different being surrounded with your common friends.
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Loneliness and longing – You will certainly miss and long for your spouse’s affection, care, and love. This might make you feel alone. Losing “your person” is hard. Your spouse might be your best friend whom you can share anything with. They might be your source of comfort and losing that is extremely devastating.
As you grieve, you will also experience different emotions. You might feel denial, anger, guilt, anxiousness, and emptiness. All these emotions are valid. Sometimes, you may also feel physical symptoms, such as fatigue, headaches, difficulty sleeping, and digestive issues. You may also have difficulty concentrating and have a hard time making decisions.
This kind of grief can create a hole or a void in your heart that no one or nothing could seem to fill. However, all the memories, shared moments, and the love you have for them will remain with you, hopefully serving as a source of comfort and eternal connection.
While you may seem uncertain on how to live your life without your beloved partner, here are some suggestions that may help you in coping with their loss and navigating through your grief.
Allow yourself to mourn
Grief will always be a personal experience, and people will grieve differently. You will also mourn in your own way. Grief and mourning are often interchanged, but they are not the same. Grief is what you think and feel. Mourning is what you do. Mourning is expressing our grief outwardly. It is expressing your thoughts and feelings about the loss. It could be difficult to do that, especially when the loss is fresh, but it is an essential step towards your healing.
Mr. Rodolfo de Guzman, a 63-year-old widower of 4 years, shares this, “Coping with the loss of a loved one is hard because there is a tendency to deny reality but acceptance to embrace the present allows one to focus more on what can be and not on what was, thus enabling us to move forward in life.”
Take care of yourself
Grief can take a toll on your health, physically, mentally, and emotionally. You might experience fatigue, lack of appetite, trouble sleeping, loss of concentration, and anxiety. You still need to look out for yourself, which you can do with the following tips:
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Try to get enough sleep by creating a nightly routine. This can include meditation, not using any gadgets an hour before bed, taking a warm bath, or setting a strict bedtime schedule.
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Eat a balanced diet that includes fruits and vegetables. Drink enough water and fluids, like fresh fruit juices. Doing so would help keep your immune system healthy.
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Move your body by taking walks, doing yoga, cycling, running, or even just cleaning the house.
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Express your feelings through avenues that you find comforting and/or enjoyable. For example, you can write letters to your spouse, start a journal (link to spouse loss), paint or draw, or play an instrument.
Do things in your own time
There are certainly things you need to do after the loss of your spouse, like taking care of their belongings. You don’t need to rush into them. Their closet can remain the same for however long you want. If you do choose to pack their belongings away, do so in your time. You may also choose to donate them. It’s all up to you.
Attending family gatherings or meeting with common friends could be challenging. Don’t force yourself because you think it would be “required” for you to attend such gatherings. Be open to your friends and family about how you feel.
When you feel ready, though, it would help for you to be surrounded by the people who love and care for you and your spouse. “Engaging in social activities, of interacting with friends and of being busy and by opening yourself to others will create new possibilities, unknown before, that can make you whole again after losing someone close to you,” Mr. de Guzman says.
Remember you spouse and celebrate their life
Remembering your spouse can be bittersweet, but it also affirms your connection to them even after they passed. It would be good to celebrate and honor life, even in simple ways. You can honor them through different ways, like making a scrapbook, creating a memorial jewelry or getting a tattoo in honor of them.
Allow yourself to feel joy
Your life looks so much different now. Your daily routine has changed. The world you once knew has changed. It’s hard to be happy without your other half. However, it’s important to allow yourself to feel joy. Do things that make you happy, like gardening, baking, reading, or being outdoors. Your concept of happiness might have changed, and you might not like the things you used to do before. You can explore new hobbies and learn new skills. It would be good for your mental and emotional well-being to find what brings you joy.
Prepare in advance for special occasions
Anniversaries and birthdays of both you and your spouse can be emotionally challenging to deal with.One way to cope with this is by preparing in advance on how you will celebrate this occasion, or if you will celebrate at all. You don’t have to force yourself to something big. You are in control of how you want to go about special occasions. You can simply light a candle in honor of them or cook a meal they liked.
If you do decide to celebrate, you can ask help from friends and family. You do not have to do this alone.
Find a support system
It might be challenging for you to always be reminded of your loss, but you don’t have to be alone. You can reach out to people who care about you and who are willing to be with you through grief. If you have children, you may rely on each other for support. Just simply talking about your spouse and reminiscing about your happy memories could help a lot.
Mr. de Guzman shares his experience on finding his support system. “Strong family support and deep understanding of shared feelings for the loss of a loved one will greatly help us to overcome sadness, in due time.”
You may also look for support groups in your area. If there are none nearby, you may check online communities. Being with people who can truly relate to you can provide comfort. You may also learn from the experiences they share.If you think you are experiencing complicated grief or when your grief is so intense that it interferes with your daily life, seeking professional help would be the best option. You can talk to a grief counselor or educator, or a licensed therapist. Here are some grief counselors/educators that we recommend:
Monica Vera
Instagram: @surviving_sunsets
survivingsunsets@gmail.com
Cathy Sanchez Babao
goodgriefph@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/cathybabao
Zarah Hernaez
Instagram: @thewellnestph @zeeheehee
https://www.facebook.com/TheWellnestPH
The truth is grief will always be a part of you. Some days will be better and happier than others. Some days will be filled with loneliness and longing, but there is one thing you can be sure about – your love for your spouse will remain true, always and forever.